You can learn to love anything, I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I’m light-headed, or I have a hunger headache, or better yet, all of the above, it means I’m getting thinner. So it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself. In control. Thanks to the dictator."

"It wasn’t simply that I chose not to eat; I was forbidden to. Even thinking about forbidden foods brought punishment. How dare you, this voice inside me would say. You greedy pig. And I was grateful to have someone looking out for me, a kind of savior keeping me from being weak and fat, keeping me from hurting. Making me respect myself. Hunger, I thought, is a minuscule price to pay. To be thin, no price is too high. The sky’s the limit."

"Sometimes I even felt I was cheating when someone praised me for my willpower; they don’t know I have a little dictator inside forcing me."

"Once I set my heart on something, I just won’t quit until I get it. Even if it starts looking like the wrong thing to go after, you know? I don’t stop to question it; I just go for it, figuring once I’ve got it, I’ll worry about the rest."

"How many pounds till I’m happy, how many pounds till I’m thin? Three more pounds till I’m skinny, three more pounds and I win!"

" Nothing, nothing’s wrong, and asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules too. You’re strong, don’t let them break you. They’re trying to destroy you."

"My head is like a little courtroom. I’m the accused, the defendant, the attorney for the defense, the prosecuting attorney and the judge is a great big scale."

TEN LITTLE STICK FIGURES

Ten little stick figures joining in a line.
One hated vegetables & then there were nine.

Nine little stick figures determined to lose weight.
One gave in to birthday cake & then there were eight

Eight little stick figures not eating what they’re given.
One asked for seconds & then there were seven.

Seven little stick figures thought starving was a fix.
One skipped exercise & then there were six.

Six little stick figures; without food they survive.
One said, “A bit more won’t hurt,” & then there were five.

Five little stick figures collapsing to the floor.
One agreed to treatment & then there were four.

Four little stick figures think anorexia is the key.
One believed the compliments & then there were three.

Three little stick figures afraid to tell the truth.
One ordered the buffet & then there were two.

Two little stick figures no longer find it fun.
One joined Thanksgiving dinner & then there was one.

One little stick figure standing all alone.
Her body has gotten so little, but how her pride has grown.

One little stick figure looking so divine.
Do you want to be like her or like the other nine?

But a lot of things have happened. My grandad got worse. In the end it wasn't the cancer that killed him. He developed pnumonia which the GP didn't spot. He got sent to hospital and seemed to get better. On the day he was being discharged he was gettin dressed and just collapsed. Poof. Just like that he was gone. The person who I was closer to than my own parents had left. What made it hurt even more I think was that several days before I was supposed to go and see him in hospital. It was April and I hadn't seen him since February. I so badly wanted to see him but my parents didn't want me to go and in a way he didn't either. I don't think he wanted me to see him like this. Weak, relying on other people when I'd always known him as this strong figure who'd protect me. In a way I didn't want to see him like that either. But we all assumed he'd be home soon and I could go and see him when he was fine. However I never did. In one way I'm devestated I never got to see him one last time, but in another I am glad that the last time I saw him he was happy and in full health. It's a more comforting image to hold than one where he's struggling to breathe and in pain. The thing I think that hurt the most was it happened early in the morning. I went off to college oblivious having fun. My parents weren't going to tell me until after my Spanish exam on the Monday. However I came back Friday night after college happy as Larry and my dad told me. Fair enough after my 10 year old sister knew before I did. And she found out by the girl down the road telling her. That hurt. Sime girl down the road knew before I did. And he was my grandpa. I won't ever forgive my mum for that. I can move past and not talk about it but I won't ever forgive her for it. I had such a heavy weight at the bottom of my stomach. The guilt that whilst my family was falling apart, I was at college, oblivious and enjoying myself.

Things got worse. I couldn't concentrate on my exams, and didn't do as well as I wanted in some of my subjects. However General Studies got full marks. Ironic really. The one I did no work for and don't need is the one I did the best in. However on a more positive note I have a boyfriend. One that,supposedly, loves me for who I am. I don't quite see how but he says he does. I've been with him since 26th November 2008. And I've never been happier. 13 months and counting. We have our ups and downs like everyone but still manage to battle through. He was amazing about my grandpa. He'd never met him but was going to during the summer, he never got to. He sat on the phone with me for ages asking me to tell him what he was like. Tell him stories of us. Give him an insight into our relationship and what my grandpa was really like. He was amazing. The next day he took me out of the house, get away from my family for abit of thinking time. We went to Altrincham, went to the cinema and he just took my mind off it, I was obviously still upset and thinking bout it but it was less intense than at home and that's what I needed. Except I started crying at Father & Son when it started playing. He's been amazing but I don't think he realises how much he helped me or how amazing he really was. Which makes him even more wonderful as it was all natural to him. I don't think I've ever told him how much I appreciated him then and obviously still do. Or if I have I don't think he truely understands. Not really. To be fair being with him has helped me control my eating a bit more. It's more regular. And to be perfectly honest. Right now. This is the happiest I've been in a long time. And I only have him to thank for it all. He makes me smile inside and makes me feel complete. That. That us what real love is. Not happiness, and sex and complacency. But finding contentment in the smallest things and making them the biggest.

Xox

Does my world change so easily? One minute i'm happy with one part of my life, i mean i'm loving college especially with getting out of an all girls school which only fuelled my ED, and then the next, another part of my life is falling apart, my eating restrictions have become even more restricted. I don't know what to do but i just want someone who loves me and cares about me and actually wants to be around me cos i've missed that since my boyfriend split up from me.

I jusr need the help and support - lifes crumbling around me and i need some1 to catch me when i fall

xoxo

 

I have just returned from a holiday with my best friend – however she’s so thin and gorgeous but eats like a horse but never gains weight – unfortunately I am the complete opposite – I only need to smell food and I gain weight. Therefore she looked gorgeous in her bikini while I hid from the camera and wore shorts all the time – even for sunbathing. I only got back on Wednesday so I came home – saw the pictures and that’s when it kicked me. How could I let my body get to this state! My hidden fear of fat leapt up – even though I thought I was in control of it, put it behind me and perhaps had regained control – but obviously this is not the case. However, I have my operation on Monday and am 10 pounds heavier than what I put down on the admission sheet. And I found out that my grandpa – who I am really close to – has cancer. I am devastated – I keep picturing the worst case scenario – I guess too much knowledge can be your worst ever enemy.

 

 

 

25^th July 2008 - Friday

                   Right now I’m at my grandparents – it’s 11.28pm. My grandpa seems to be ok and happier than my mm or grandma said he was; depressed and upset – understandably. Although it may seem harsh to say, I’m apparently his favourite – well both of theirs really. I always came to visit them and made grandpa feel important as their other 9 grandchildren ignored him and favoured grandma. Therefore my visit – albeit a short one – is important to them especially my grandpa and me. I go home on Sunday evening. My operation has been moved back so rather than having to be up at the hospital in my room at 7am meaning waking up at 5am – I am now arranged to be at reception by 10.30am. At least I have a lie-in. The positive thing is I can’t eat until my operation and when I come round I will be able to say I feel to ill or something can’t i? I have decided to have an epidural as my nerve damage is still bad and both Shack (my surgeon/consultant etc) and Peter (never met the guy – the anaesthetist who will be accompanying Shack on Monday) And my other pain management consultant, Wells, have all suggested this would be for the best so I don’t feel the pain at first and I won’t wake up in agony – thank god – I have enough of that everyday. Wow – I have been adding the info to this and all and it’s now 4.11am an I get up at 9 –shite! Better go now – beddy boes! Nite!!

Love

Vicks

Xoxo

 

26^th July 2008 – Saturday

                        I woke up late this morning – 12.30pm and felt awful as I was a guest at somebody else’s house. However, it did have an upside as I missed breakfast. So for lunch I had a piece of wholemeal bread, a tiny 2cm square max. chunk of bri cheese and a bowl of watercress soup which doesn’t have many caloreies,  unlike grandma’s other soups – which are admittidly gorgeous – it contains no starch. Although it is watery and runny it is filling, gorgeous and low cal. Brilliant. Or so I thought. I then had a handful of blueberries – ful of anti-oxidents which are good. I then went and ruined all my hard work by binging on nearly an entire pack of chocolate raisens. Although I went upstairs and cried the only positive thing was that it was raisens with a little choc. As opposed to a bar of chocolate. Then I had a small piece of root ginger with chocolate on it for pudding if you can call it that. Grandma’s making salmon fillet (I love it and sa I have to eat this weekend with going into hospital on Monday I need my s’trength’ as my parents etc call it – my excuse however us that they will be able to tell by the tests that I haven’t eaten recently and then everything is ruined. I will be sent for help – it will go on my record – therefore I will not be able to be a doctor as they do not allow people who have a mental problem which resulted to having counselling. I have to go now and tell my grandparents that I want the barest minimum – they won’t buy any excuses though – so when I return I shall be a great  big fat pig – the one that is I.

Lovee

Vicks

xoxo

 

Giner  root raw – 10grams = 3.8

Chololate – 1 gram = 5.25

Raisens – 200 grams = 544

Chocolate – 50 grams = 264.5

Watercress – 100grams = 22

Blueberries – 100 grams = 28

1 piece of wholemeal bread = 53.25

Salmon fillet – 100 grams = 197

2 baby potatoes – 100 grams = 75

Broccoli – 300 grams = 72

Cherries – 300 grams = 144

Strawberries – 100 grams = 27

Salad dressing – 3 tsps = 198

Apricot wheats – 100 grams = 325

                                                            = 1958.8 calories

God – I hate myself right now especially. I want to rid all of this fat disgusting stuff from my body! I have decided I shall never purge again unles in a desperate situation, which I think I may have fallen into. I can’t go home having put any weight on – mum especially will kill me and lets not even think about what I will do to myself! I have written up all my thoughts/tips etc on here though today and since I didn’t finish here yesterday until half 4 I am leaving you now. However – being the good girl that I am – I am going to do 3 sets of my exercises – even though it is 2.12am. Oh well! That’s my plan for the next hour – then sleep in till 12 again so I can miss breakfast and therefore when it comes to my granadma, about 5/600 calories – woo!! Wish me luck with it all then!

Lovee

Vicks

xoxo

 

 

 

There are several things that I have learnt about the different types of diets I and others go on, such as these terms:

 

Absence of Food and State

Fasting refers to the complete absence of food, only water.

Short-Term Fasting:
                                   In general, fasts should be conducted for no longer than 28 days, with most fasts 21 days or less. Long fasts (for more than 42 days), are both unnecessary, and potentially dangerous. A prolonged fast, for more than 2-3 months, is called Starvation! Although most of the 'miraculous' benefits of fasting do result from 3-5 days or more but 7-14 days, that's "healing". Although days 1-7 are quite beneficial to be sure, days 7-14 are truly tremendous, with the benefits from days 14-21 becoming extreme. Days 21-28 are nothing than a com plete regeneration of the body. Literally erasing years of aging. (Where the true "Miracles of fasting" take place).

Medium-Term Fasting:
                                       Medium fasts (Between 28-42 days), although certainly possible, and frequently performed by dedicated fasters. The benefits of a 35 day fast are absolutely astonishing!

Fasting and Ketone Bodies:
                                              After the third day of a fast, the body begins to make ketone bodies in the liver (Enters ketosis). In the absence of food (Energy), Ketone bodies are produced by the body as an alternate energy source. Normally, ketone levels in the blood are less than 0.2mm. After several days of fasting they approach 3.0mm, and steadily rise thereafter. Importantly, never eat, even an extremely amount of food during a fast. This will quickly shift the body out of ketosis, back to its normal metabolism of glucose (food), decreasing ketone bodies, decreasing growth hormone and increasing hunger.

Fasting and Hunger Levels:
                                               The only challenge to fasting, and a challenge for many it is, is completing the first 1-5 days. During days 1-5 hunger levels can fluctuate from average, to well above average many actually experience their greatest hunger on day 3 (Just prior to ketosis, when both blood sugar, and ketone body levels, are lowest). After day 3, hunger levels noticeably decrease. After day 5, hunger levels, and the "desire" for food in general (So strong initially), dramatically decrease. After day 10, hunger levels, for the most part, are non-existent.

Fasting and Energy Levels:
                                               During days 1-5, energy levels can fluctuate from average to well below average (Feeling light headed, at times, is not uncommon). During days 5-10, energy levels very noticeably improve after day 10, with sharply elevated levels of both growth hormone, and ketone bodies, energy levels are tremendous, as is mental clarity.

Fasting and Weight Loss:
                                            Expect (in general) to lose 1 pound each day of fasting!

Fasting and Starvation:
                                          Contrary to what many people believe, fasting is not starvation. During the fast, the body is breaking down the non-essential tissue (Fat) for energy. While conserving essential tissue. Starvation, is the point where the body has used up all of its non-essential tissues (Reserves),and begins to break down its own essential tissues. This point (The point of starvation), even for the average individual (Of normal weight), takes quite some time to reach (Some 42 days or more).

Fasting and Severely Restrictive Diets:
                                                                 Prolonged, severely restrictive diets are extremely unhealthy, in many cases, even life threatening. Unlike fasting, the body never completely enters ketosis (A fundamental process in sparing essential tissue from breaking down). The result, severely restrictive diets cause the body to lose a much greater percentage of lean body tissue (Essential tissue) than a complete fast. Over time (Once body reserves become dangerously low), lean body tissue (Essential tissue) eventually become used as an energy source. Prolonged, severely restrictive diets, are essentially just a slow form of starvation.

F asting and Calorie Restriction:
                                                     Calorie restricted (10-30%) diets are extremely healthy. Unlike severely restricted diets, the bodies energy (Food) needs are restricted just enough to result in sharply elevated levels of growth hormone, while eliminating the need to break down essential tissues.

Recommended Fasting Schedule:
                                                       Definitely include short-term fasting (1-28 days) into your schedule. Your body will begin to literally "grow younger" before your eyes, especially, after day 10.

Discipline and Determination:
                                                  Suppressing hunger (During days 1-5), one of life's greatest drives, is not easy for most! Eliminating food (During the fasting period), one of life's greatest pleasures, is not easy for most! However, those that have the discipline, and determination, will have tremendous to extreme healthy benefits awaiting them!

No Pain No Gain:
                             With the exceptions of days 1-5, particularly day 3, fasting is not nearly as difficult as one might imagine (In fact, after day 10, quite pleasurable). Remember too, exercise (Discussed next), also associated with some degree of self sacrifice to promote health, pales in comparison to fasting in terms of health benefits. In fact, one could perform 1-3 annual (14-28) fasts, or calorie restrict (10-30%), never exercise again, and achieve a state of health that no form or amount of exercise could ever accomplish.

Kinds of Fasts

The Regular Fast:
                              No food, but sufficient water to quench the thirst to dilute the pathogenic materials and thereby facilitate elimination through the skin and kidneys.

The Dry Fast:
                       This means total abstinence from food and drink. It is a powerful method for promoting elimination of morbid matter and disease taints.

The Seven Day Fast:
                                  Cannot produce any harmful or weakening results.

The Long Fast:
                         Extends from one to seven or more weeks, according to individual indications and the vitality of the patient.

Fasting Facts

 

-Water fasting cleanses the body, as the stored food (fat) is used rapidly and the body simultaneously expels built up toxins.
-If I’m fasting for weight loss (um, yeah!!) and am following a juice or tea fast, a few days on just water will intensify the fast.
-Fasting can clear the skin and whiten the eyes and initiates rapid weight loss (yay!).
-Water fasting is not recommend for a first fast as toxins are released into the blood very quickly.
-Fasting makes it easy to overcome bad habits and addictions.
-Fasting allows me to have taste for the appreciation for clean, natural foods.
-Going on a fast can give me the motivation and the enthusiasm I need to make a fresh start! (And we all need a fresh start from time to time.)

Fasting Info:

-Distilled water is best for water fasting.
-Juice made w/fresh, organic fruits is best for juice fasting.
-Do not drink orange or tomato juice on a fast.
-I can dilute my pure juices w/water.
-Green juices made from leafy green veggies in a juicer are great for detoxifying.
-Pure veggie broths are good (with no seasons added).
-Herbal teas and honey can aid in fasting.
-Typical fasts (going totally w/out any solid foods) usually are performed as 3 day, 7 day, 10 day, 14 day or 21 day increments. 28+ days should be supervised. (Or at least the person fasting should let someone know they are doing it.)
-Break a fast by eating raw fruits and veggies the first five-seven days after my f ast. Go back to solids slowly.
-Do not binge or overeat after the fast (or during!). Try to discover the amount of food my body really needs.
- Meditate, go for a walk, take lots of naps, journal, listen to music, take long, warm bathes and relax. This is my time for healing, losing weight and gaining self-control!


More fasting tips:

-Many people experience nausea and headaches during fasting and this is often caused by caffeine withdrawal (and we all love our caffeine here) so I recommend, if possible, if - like I am - a heavy soda or coffee drinker start tapering off about a week before the start of my fast. This should do the trick and make it a little easier and my headaches won't be so painful.
-After my fast, when I start to eat normally I try very hard not to gorge. The calories I take in directly after my fast will stay with me a lot longer than those acquired when my metabolism is up. Also, I could experience pain and become very ill.
-I don't eat a big meal the night before my fast and never end my fast with heavy foods. Keep it light w/raw or lightly steamed veggies and fruits.
-Dry skin brushing helps my skin to breathe easier and can help eliminate uric acid and other poisons from my system, taking the strain off my kidneys and liver. Start at the feet and stroke my skin towards the heart. I do these before I shower.
-Epson Salt baths are soothing to sore-achy, weak muscles and also help eliminate toxins through the skin. Warm Epson Salt baths are great during fasts.
-There are many types of fasts, here is another: The milk and fruit fast: 3x a day, a glass of milk, raw fruit and water in between.


Some more tips during your fast:

-Try to get plenty of sleep. And if I can't stand my stomach growling the first few days, and are tired of downing the H20, take a nap... listen to some soothing music and drift off.
-Get a massage. If I could afford it, otherwise, I’d have my partner or a close friend give me a good rub down or deep tissue massage. This really soothes muscles and makes me calm and sleepy. It helps when I’m having trouble sleeping due to hunger during my fast. Plus, it awakens my body, pushes the blood around, etc.
-I can feel weak during my fasts so if this is the case, I have to be careful of black outs and don't exercise until I've finished the fast... Stick to stretching, light walking and deep breathing.
-If I su ffered from diabetes, hypoglycemia or other similar conditions, I’d be very, very careful fasting. I'd say don't fast at all but if I feel I can do it safely, I may need a slice of avocado or a banana... I could also add protein powder to your juices.
-Sometimes during a fast, the person will experience back pain. If so, a cold pack will help.
-Canker sores can be healed quicker by dabbing tea tree oil or vitamin E on it.

-If I’m just too tired on my water fast, go to a juice fast and if I are already juicing, drink more carrot and melon juices for energy.

Water fasts are always the hardest but fastest for weight loss and detox.

Juice fast is next best and somewhat easier, especially for first time fasters.

I’ll lose pounds faster if I have a fast metabolism and slower if I have a slower metabolism. On average, fasts allow me to lose 1-2 lbs per day. Some people experience more, around 3-5 lbs per day. I'll lose the most and the quickest during the beginning of my fast.

 Quotes – they are so useful and helpful – really they are!

Eat less, weigh less

An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person

If you aren't thin, you aren't attractive.

Perfection is easy - it equals not being fat.

Love not what you are, but what you may become.

Being thin is more important that being healthy.

Stop poisoning your body with food.

We live in a fat world, don't be like everyone else

Thoughts provoke action.

Good girls don't swallow.

My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like just don’t swallow it.

Just say no and keep your mouth closed.

Quod me nutrit, me destruit (What nourishes me also destroys me.)

You can learn to love anything.

 

DON'T eat, do you *want* to stay FAT?

The distance is nothing; it is only the first step that is difficult.

The difference between want and need is self control

Do not give up on what you want most, for what you want at the moment.

Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything ok, turn my problems into bone, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust.

Thin is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food...

Starvation is fulfilling. I will do whatever it takes. Colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fibre and pore of the body. The greatest of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lips.

 

For me, foods only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist each bite. Acheiving another small victory of the will. Each gain makes me stronger, purer, larger in my excersizes of power, until eventually I see no reason to eat at all.

 

It's simple: you decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat, and there is no further decision to make.

 

Greed begins where need ends - and we need nothing. Eating is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. You are strong, don't let them break you. They are trying to destroy you.

 

You've made a decision: you wont stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are STRONG, can withstand anything, that you are NOT a slave to your body, that you don't have to give in to it's whining.

 

Thou shall not eat fattening foods without punishing oneself afterwards.

 

An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist - but ordinary's just not good enough today.

 

 I want to be the smallest I can possibly be...when I see bone, that's the day I will finally feel free...

 

If it tastes good, It's trying to kill you.

 

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

 

A minute on the lips, forever on the hips

You don't need that piece of cake, it will just make you fatter, is that what you want?

 

I wanna be pure, just bones, it's what we were all meant to be

 

What the scale says is the most important thing.

Failure is taking the path that everyone else does, success is making your own path.

This isn't so bad.. I can go another day.

Let's face it, the vast majority of women look much better with clothes on then without.

 

You have such a pretty face, why don't you try dieting?

 

You are no longer fat, pudgie, big boned, over weight, portly, stout or chubby. You are obese, face it, accept it and attack it.

 

It doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop.

 

If you can imagine it, you can create it. If you can dream it, you can become it.

 

Know your limits... but never stop trying to exceed them.

 

It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting but it does help people to get interested in your soul.

 

The word is control. That's my ultimate - to have control.

 

Don't just grab at the first thing that comes along... Know when to refuse something that won't get you anywhere.

 

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

Self Destruction can be such a beautiful thing!

If Ana has to lead me to death...then I want to die.

This is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food...

One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.

You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you shall enjoy the twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming excess calories, or whether yo u will cordially despise yourself for two or three days, for your lack of willpower.

In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

When I wake, I'm empty, light, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.

Like a plant, surely the body can be trained to exist on nothing, to take it's nourishment from the air.

I'm not anywhere near perfect... I know I will be perfect one day... One more day, I will be perfect, beautiful, I will be everything I NEED to be in ONE MORE DAY... - Me

Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.

What you do for the now is going to effect you for the later.

You'll be fat if you eat today, just put it off one more day

                                   Don't do today what you'll regret tomorrow

Don't give in to what you want at the moment for what you want at the most

"In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eat twice as much as nature requires" - Benjamin Franklin

I do eat normally - only what is needed for survival. I can't help that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

Food, is a tricky thing... We are taught to love it from when we were babies... It's what was given to us when we cried, and it's nothing more than an addiction... Thanks mom and dad...

Control comes from not only starving, but making everyone else see that it's ok...

 

Purging – Tips:

First thing I have gotta remember is liquids. If I didn't drink a sh*tload, then I’m going to find it damn near impossible to have a successful purge. What, I didn't? Run back and drink some water then! Get it from the tap in the bathroom! Do whatever! But keep in mind - if I drink and then purge three seconds later, I’m gunna be vomiting water. And that's just stupid and pointless.

1) All right. So I’m ready. Most people use their fingers - one probably won't work, three is for more advanced, so start with a nice, easy two. Some people use toothbrushes but then some *really intelligent* chick in the States swallowed hers. So be careful.
2) HOW TO: Do I really need to describe this? All right. Insert fingers into throat. Now, what I’m trying to do is recreate "reverse peristalsis" - this is the opposite of swallowing. Swallowing involves contractions of the esophagus to push food down into the stomach - one swallow equals quite a few contractions. It's not like the food just slides on down. So, in order for me to purge, my esophagus has to contract several times before the food can come back up. For people who aren't used to purging, the muscles are weak and this may take a while. BUT I DON'T WORRY - IF I CAN'T DO IT THE FIRST TIME, IT DOESN'T MEAN I’M A TOTAL FAILURE! I remember feeling totally depressed when I couldn't purge at first, and now look! I know what I'm at! So I WILL improve.

3) Once my fingers are in my throat, I can either a) massage the back of the throat or b) make a kind of jabbing motion. Whichever I find good for myself really.. Long nails? Cut 'em. Hurt like hell unless I know what I’m doing.

4) I’ll start to feel an upward, heaving sort of motion around my stomach area. I keep my fingers there, move them until I find whatever works best for me, and wait for the gagging feeling. There might be a few of them, so hold tight - I know when I’m about to purge because I'll feel it.

5) Just when I’m about to purge, take a deep breath - usually, it'll help open my esophagus and more food will come up. If I am new at this – which I am - then be careful, because it can be hard to coordinate the movements.

6)I don't take my fingers out of my mouth when the first bit of food comes up, unless I really feel like I’m about to choke. The second gag will produce more food – if I keep doing this until it starts to feel really uncomfortable. Then, start again from step 1.

Additional facts I have found:

About weighing myself. Everyone has different methods here that work for them. Many people get discouraged with weighing themselves every day, because our weight is not a stable thing and can vary drastically from little insignificant things. I however prefer to know each day how heavy I am so I can be more or less careful during the following day. Although I try to get a better overall picture through the fit of my clothing instead.

I throw food away before I eat it. A lot of people feel guilty and don't like to toss food. There's nothing wrong with this. I do remember, though, that food gets discarded any way I look at it... purging, digesting, tossing... and isn't it better to get rid of the food before it puts fat on myself instead of after? If I still hate to discard food, which I do at times, I see how much of it I can donate to my local shelters and community service programs.

Apple cider vinegar (or possibly vinegar in general). It may help raise metabolism and burn fat. It may, for me, work as an appetite suppressant at times though. Be careful, though, it may hurt your stomach or cause nausea. I don't take more than a couple teaspoonfuls at a time and I try to mix it with honey in a glass of water, or in diet 7up or other clear carbonated soda about twenty minutes before eating, I can feel full quicker or decide not to eat at all.

Eat dense foods. They feel like more in my stomach. Light or fluffy foods tend to compact, and don't fill me up as well. Drink lots of liquids.

Avoid refined foods. They're in large part empty calories, and they don't satisfy the body or supply good solid nutritional requirements. The closer to natural food I eat, the more value I get per bite, and the less I'll need to eat. I also substitute whole grains for white flour and raw sugar for refined white sugar particularly.

Don't fill up on bread. It's deceptive. Six slices of bread can feel the same as one sandwich in my stomach, and it gets processed very quickly. If I do have to eat bread, I eat whole-wheat or grain bread, which feels denser in my stomach as well as being healthier for my digestive system. Also I make a sandwich with vegetables or low-fat cottage cheese or salsa instead of eating bread plain.

Avoid alcohol and other drugs. Anything that can affect my body will affect me more strongly and in different ways, and anything that affects my mind will lower my level of control. I hear the munchies are a nightmare when you're trying to lose weight and waking up with a hangover surrounded by half-eaten food evidence can't be too much better.

Be careful with over-the-counter weight loss products, including the natural and herbal ones. They speed up your metabolism, yes, but they're designed to be taken with a decent amount of food and can be very bad for your heart, head, digestive system, and nervous system if you use them with a severely restricted food intake. They can also mess up your sleep cycles, and people with irregular sleep cycles tend to eat more. I would suggest half doses to start with since they'll have more of an effect on someone eating very little, and watch for signs of panic, anxiety, or irritability.

I try not to get discouraged with myself, even though it’s hard at times. I didn't put on weight overnight, and it won't come off overnight either. These things take time, and time will pass no matter how much I’m eating.

 

 

But hell – I sure want to be……

The thinner you become the nearer to perfection you will become – you become the one exception to the rule that nobody’s perfect.

You know the old quote:

“Practise makes perfect” and then my addition of “But nobody’s perfect so why practise”?

Well I’m going to break that mold that I possibly helped make. I will be perfect – you tell me I can’t do something and  I’ll bounce back 10  times stronger saying I can .

And you know what? I made the mistake of allowing myself to listen to him and actually believe that maybe he meant what he said. But it was all lies – every last one of them.

 

 

When in a restaurant there is one method that has worked well for me:

1. Before ordering, I ask for a full glass of ice water (with lemon, optional) and consume it. I then get a refill when the waiter comes to take my order.

2. I try and get nutrition information ahead of time if I can. Surf the 'net or call the restaurant (I just tell them I have "health issues") and ask about the calorie, fat and carb content of their dishes. Then I will know what to order -- or whether to even bother going there.

3. I avoid all breaded or battered items, fried items, sauteed items, breads, pasta, rices, sweetended drinks, and of course, desserts.
I try and get the simplest foods in their most natural form available, such as grilled fish and a tossed salad. Lean proteins like shrimp are best. (I don't NEED the cocktail sauce, ignore it!)

4.I request all sauces and dressings on the side. That way I retain control over how much I consume. Nearly all the excess calories, fats and carbs are in restaurant sauces and dressings.


5.Then I have my water glass refilled when the food arrives.
One or two sips of water between bites taken helps to trick myself into feeling full.

 

I do have some secrecy needs and therefore d evice tips – however they are not always helpful as people close may recognise them and you can be caught out so I have to be careful:

Depending on my situation I may have a greater or lesser need to keep people from finding out about my behaviours.

Don't raise suspicions. Once people realize what I’m doing, I will be watched and monitored and suspected. So I start hiding my habits and practices before anyone even sees them. It's much easier to keep people clueless than it is to fool people who know something's going on.

I don't let ANYONE around me know about my ana. It's great to have online friends - in fact, I would encourage it - but unless I’m 100% positive that one of my friends will understand or help, DON'T TELL THEM. There is too large a risk of being discovered.

Check the fridge when nobody else is around. I find foods that I would have eaten and get rid of them, for example, three eggs and a piece of butter. Then if someone asks, I can say I just had scrambled eggs and are really full. And if they check the ingredients are gone, which reinforces my story. Consider dishes and silverware as well.

 I don't bring up the subject of food around other people. I also have my excuses for not eating ready in case they should bring the subject up. Some excuses I use are: "My stomach's a little upset", "I'm too (tired, excited, nervous, busy, etc) to eat", "I don't feel like (whatever food it is), I'll get something later", "I did eat, didn't you see?", and "I stopped by (Arby's, Burger King, Subway, etc) earlier".

If I am planning to say I stopped by a fast-food place or restaurant, I’m always sure to take out several dollars from my wallet (or wherever I have it) and hide them someplace they won't be discovered. I’m also sure to stop and wait for about the amount of time it would have taken to eat the food before going home, and know what I supposedly ordered. The money I hide can be saved up as a reward.

I also spend different meals with different groups of people; I tell them all that I had a big meal earlier or will be eating something later on. Just make sure the different people will not be comparing notes. Or I plan my schedule so I’m too busy at mealtimes to eat then.

Trash. I watch where I dispose of uneaten food or other "evidence", make sure that it isn't going to be seen or found by anyone. I wrap food up and throw it away outside the house.

Buy food. People are fairly predictable. If they see me buying food and come home with food, then they just naturally assume that I eat it as well. Get things like crackers and cookies and dried fruits, I keep them in my room, and carefully pack them out again later to throw away. Careful, this can be a little dangerous if I’m prone to binging – which I am - and have trouble keeping food around, or if I’m’ feeling guilty about throwing food away. If the food's something I don't like and won't binge on this may be easier to do.

Don't get angry. Don't deny everything if confronted. People will believe a little truth with a big lie much easier than a huge lie. If I act as if it's no big deal instead of reacting emotionally and people tend to believe me.

I tell people I’m on a diet or healthy eating etc.; ‘I became a vegetarian’, ‘my doctor has me eating only certain things’, whatever. Often people are very helpful in keeping me from eating if they think there's a socially acceptable reason for it.

I don't show off my weight loss until I’ve reached the weight I want to remain at. People will start to watch me more carefully and maybe ask questions, and I want to avoid calling attention to myself.

 

I Reward myself, don't punish. Punishment is not effective and will do more emotional harm than physical good. I calculate how much money I’m saving by not eating and add up until I have enough to buy something I like (but not food). I did this recently and bought myself a 100ml bottle of Daisy by Marc Jacobs perfume – something I had wanted for a long time and normally wouldn’t be able to afford. Or, I put a penny (dollar, marble) in a jar for every small goal I keep and treat myself with something (not food) once I reach a certain amount. Remember that these rewards will last longer and give more pleasure than food I would just eat, process, and discard.

 

Eat slowly, in small bites. I cut my food up into small pieces. I pause while eating to drink water or whatever other liquid I tend to enjoy. It takes a while for "full" signals to get from our stomach to our brain. Also, if I eat over a longer period of time and add more liquids, it can trick my mind into thinking I’ve eaten more.

I take out only the amount of food I plan on eating. I wrap everything securely up before I start eating and put it away. I don't go back for seconds, don't nibble while preparing food, either. Those bites and crumbles add up staggeringly fast.

I think about food before and while I eat it. I tend to think about where it came from and exactly what happened to it before it reached me. This works particularly well with meat, dairy, and egg products.

Food associations. I find something that makes me feel vaguely ill or unpleasant, then I get a picture of it, and put the picture beside my food. I switch pictures frequently and I make sure to look at the pictures while I eat. After a while I begin to associate food itself with unpleasantness, which makes me less inclined to eat.

I give myself permission before eating. I stop and think about it, I consider if I really want to eat whatever-it-is. If my answer is yes, then I say (or think) something like "I'm allowed to eat this" or "I have permission to eat this".

I plan my meals in advance, for the day or week or whatever. I decide what I’m allowed to eat each day. If I know that I will be eating, it may help if I avoid eating other things to balance out the calorie intake.

If I feel myself starting to lose control while I’m eating, stop. I set my food down, take a long drink of water or some other cool liquid, and take a deep breath before resuming eating. This can help interrupt a slide into binge-mode. I also remember to remind myself that I’m still going to finish my food and that I am not stopping, just pausing for a moment.

Sabotage your food. I make it with too much water, too little sugar, an ingredient I don't care for. I also add too much salt or pepper before I eat. I then will eat less of it if it tastes bad.

I pick apart my food cravings. If I eat food in separate parts instead of all mixed in to one, it feels like you've eaten more and I don't get extra stuff I don't really need. For example, if I’m really craving pizza, think about what it contains. Bread, tomato sauce, cheese. Drink a can of V8 or eat a tomato. If I still want pizza, have a rice cake or a few crackers or some other starch. If I still want pizza, have a piece of cheese. Or if I’m craving peanut butter, have a handful of peanuts and avoid the added sugar and oil contained in most commercial peanut butter. If that doesn't work, eat a spoonful of honey for the sweetness overload. Same net effect, fewer total calories, no wasted empty added crap.

I also have many distractions which I happen to find extremely effective:

Brush your teeth. I get a travel-sized toothbrush and toothpaste set and use it often. A clean minty mouth can make the thought of eating less attractive. Also, if I brush after every meal and every supposed meal, it's less obvious whether I’ve eaten or not.

Take a shower. Hot steamy water can suppress the appetite, in me at least, and paying close attention to my body will reminds me exactly why I’m losing weight in the first place. If I feel clean I may not want to "dirty" myself with food.

Fidget, take up a new hobby, find something to focus on. I find something with which to distract my hands and / or mouth. Chewing gum works for many people, but check for calories. Sewing or stringing beads is good, detail-oriented and monotonous. So I keep myself occupied.

Exercise. I try and find something I love to do and do it. If, I’m too self-conscious to exercise where people can see, then I tend to do it when I’m alone at home or in a locked room or other safe place. Make it interesting. The best I've found? Dancing. Find music you love, cover the windows up, and I don't even think about what I may look like since there's nobody to see. It's a lot of fun, and it helps to get myself more familiar with my body as well.

Find triggering pictures. I have internet access, so when I feel like eating, I pick an actress or model that I think is particularly beautiful and search for pictures of them... or for pictures of people that I find particularly ugly and fat. It's a slow, involving process and for me at least a great way to avoid eating.

Take a nap. A lot of people think they're hungry when really they're just tired. Also, I drink water, since thirst can make you think you're hungry as well.

·    Strip all my bed sheets and wash them.

·    Do some dusting around my place.

·    Clean out my computer of unwanted files by doing a disk clean-up and a disk defragment. My computer will run better and faster.

Get a couple programs called Ad-Aware, plus Spybot Search and Destroy and scan for adware components. I don't want that stuff on my computer.

·    Do a free online virus scan at trendmicro.com to make sure my system is clean.

·    Check online for security updates for my software. Better safe than sorry.

·    Exercise, exercise, exercise. It's good for me, keeps me fit and moving burns unwanted calories.

·    Listen to upbeat music and dance around.

·    Watch TV, but place the remote control far away. This makes me get up when I want to change channel, ect.

·    If I’m sitting, I twitch my leg. Might as well burn calories while I sit down too.

·    Play a musical instrument. (For me it's guitar ... I'm terrible but I still play it.)

·    Design my own thin-spirational site. It's actually quite time consuming, fun and it teaches myself a skill.

·    Find songs that relate to ana/mia.

·    Burn a thin-spirational cd.

·    Make a list of my goals and how/when I want to have them acheived by.

·    Try out a new hair style.

·    Exfoliate my body. (Must have very warm shower for this to open my pores.)

·    Give myself a make-over.

·    Have a cool shower.

·    Go through the song section and download the songs, then burn my ow n thin-spirational CD.

·    Keep checking back into this site, join my forums and post. (Lol, I know ... cheap pop.)

·    Do an online research of my favorite musician, and join any Yahoo groups that might be around on this musician.

·    If I don't already; get a Yahoo account and enjoy the benefits like free e-mail account, messanger, groups, games, ect.

·    Get AOL instant messenger, then chat with others.

·    Unsure about a piece of information reguarding weight loss / metabolic rate, ect.? Do an online research to make sure my information is as accurate as possible.

·    Make my own journal, writing down goals - food eaten - calories burned - weight lost - thinspiration pics - motivational things, and such.

Different Diets I have been told work but have not dried them yet

Russian Gymnast Diet

This is the Russian Gymnasts Diet.  It is said that anyone on this diet for 5-7 days can lose between 4lbs-11lbs.

Breakfast: Glass of either Orange or Apple Juice.

Lunch: Fruit Salad (made with Kiwi,Orange, Pineapple, and peeled apples)
          Glass of Fruit Juice (from one the above fruits)

Dinner: Glass of non Carbonated water (or just plain water)
Green Apple

Sacred Heart Diet

FIRST DAY: Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want, except bananas. For those who like melon, two fruits that are lower in cals than most other fruits are watermelon and cantaloupe. Should you eat the melon, your chances of losing 3 pounds the first day are great.

 

DAY 2: All vegetables. Eat until you are stuffed with all fresh or raw veges of your choice. Eat green leafy vegetables. Stay away from dry beans, peas and corn (these are seeds not vegetables). You may also have a large baked potatoe with butter on your all vege day.

 

DAY 3: Fruits and vegetables. Same as Day 1 and Day 2 except NO potatoe.

 

DAY 4: Eat up to six bananas and all the skim milk you want

 

DAY 5: You can have 10-20 ounces of beef and 6 tomatoes on this day. Drink at least 8 8oz glasses of clean water.

 

DAY 6: Eat to your hearts content with beef and vegetables. NO POTATOE!

 

DAY 7: Brown rice, fruit juice (unsweetened ) and vegetables.

RECIPIE FOR SOUP; PURPOSE: A primary food during the scared heart diet. This soup you can eat any time when you feel hungry during the day. Eat as much of it and as often as you like.

 

INGREDIENTS: Six large onions, two green peppers, six lbs of whole tomatoes, one large head of cabbage, one stalk of celery, season with bernand Jensens broth or seasoning. Cut veges and cover with clean water in large pot. Boil for 10 minutes. Cover, lower heat and simmer until veggies are soft.

OTHER INSTRUCTIONS: Drink at least 4 galsses of water or diet soda a day You may drink all the soup you want You can add herbs, salt, pepper, diet sugar, lemon, vinegar, soy sauce and mustard to your foods. Take herbal appetite suppressants mid morning and mid afternoon.

Two Day Pasta Diet

Day One

 

Breakfast: 4 scrambled egg whites and ¼ cup of mushrooms + 1 slice of low calorie bread + coffee or tea.

Lunch: 1 cup of cold pasta mixed with 2 ounces of tuna and 1 tbs of low fat dressing + 1 teaspoon of grated cheese + a diet beverage

Dinner: 1 ½ cups of spaghetti topped with ½ cup tomato sauce and 1 ounce of browned meat (whatever that means) + 1 teaspoon of grated cheese + coffee, tea, or ice water.

 

Day Two

 

Breakfast: ½ cup low fat cottage cheese with ½ cup of pineapple + 1 slice of low calorie bread + coffee or tea.

Lunch: 1 cup of egg noodles mixed with 1 ounce of chopped chicken, 1 ounce of skim mozzarella cheese, one cup of cooked spinach + a diet beverage.

Dinner: 1 ½ cups macaroni mixed with 2 ounces of low fat melted cheddar cheese + mixed green salad with 1 tbs. of balsamic vinegar + coffee, tea, or ice water.

Three Day Spa Diet

Day One

 

Breakfast: 2 frozen low fat waffles topped with ½ a cup of blueberries and a teaspoon of low fat topping + coffee or tea.

 

Lunch: 1 cup of mixed greens with one ounce water packed tuna and two tablespoons of low fat dressing or mayonnaise (I say go for the dressing) + 1 slice of protein or whole grain bread + a diet beverage. (I love diet root beer).

Dinner: 3 ounces of chicken breast coated with 1 tbs. each of Dijon mustard, honey, and apple cider vinegar (bring it all to a broil) + 2 cups of mixed greens topped with 2 tbs. of low-fat dressing + coffee or tea.

 

Day Two

Breakfast: ½ a grapefruit + 1 slice of pita bread toasted with 1 ounce of swiss or muenster cheese + coffee or tea.

 

Lunch: Mix ¼ cup of grapes pineapple slices, kiwi, and strawberries with one cup of yogurt + diet beverage, coffee, or tea.

 

Dinner: 1 cup of pasta topped with ½ cup of marinara sauce and 1 tsp of parmesan cheese + 1 cup steamed zucchini + 2 cups of mixed greens with 2 tbs. of low fat dressing + coffee or tea.

 

Day Three

 

Breakfast: 1 slice of raisin bread with 1 tbs. of low fat cottage cheese + ½ cup of fruit + coffee or tea.

 

Lunch: 1 slice of pita bread with 1 ounce of mozzarella cheese, sliced tomatoes, and onions + 2 cups of mixed greens with 2 tbs. of low fat dressing + diet beverage.

 

Dinner: 3 ounces of broiled fish + ½ cup of wild rice + 1 cup of broccoli + coffee, tea, or a diet beverage.

 

Each day you may also have one of the following snacks:

 

1) 1 cup cubed cantaloupe

 

2) ½ cup of banana blended with ½ a cup of skim milk, 1 tsp. of vanilla, and four ice cubes.

 

3) ½ cup of skim milk and one low fat cookie.